Buy or Your Life Is Forfeit
by Death101a
Summary: The g-boys try to sell people stuff from a catalog to raise money. Rated for language. Warning, a small bit of crossdressing. Please review, if ya read it...


I don't own Gundam Wing... Do you?  
  
Ever had one of those annoying bastards try to get you to sell their crummy products in the name of fund raising? To try to modivate you, they offer you miniscule amounts of money and shoddy cheap 'prizes', with a couple of decent things if you can sell 75-150 items (like any of us will do that). Well, if this hasn't happened to you, you've probably been attacked by children wanting you to buy this kind of shit from them, so their school can buy them a working condom* machine or something (....I'm not bitter, what ever made you think that..?)...   
  
Due to an immense amount of boredom , I decided to put the G-boys in the role as the sellers. Hope you find some amusement in this. There acutually isn't any yaoi/shonen ai in here, really. A little surprizing from me, but there wasn't really room for it, I felt. Although there was room for a tiny bit of cross dressing. There's always room for a little cross dressing!   
  
*High schools in my community are not allowed to have condom machines because parents think that it will 'encourage teens to have sex'. Of course, not having condom machines stops teens from having sex the same way bandaids help people who are bleeding internally.  
  
  
  
++++++++++  
  
  
  
Buy or Your Life is   
By Shinigamis"Solicitors will be Shot"Angel  
  
  
  
"Tell me again why we must do this." Wufei grumbled, not wanting to have to waste his time with this fundrasier. Why couldn't Quatre give 'em the damn money? The guy could buy his own small country if he liked.  
  
"Because, it'll be a change for us. Learning to do things the 'civilized' way. Can't just kill whomever crosses our path at the wrong time." Quatre replied.  
  
"Who says we can't?" Heero questions, looking over at Quatre. Quatre just sighs, saying, "Please just sell some things, if only to humor me."  
  
Heero shrugs and Wufei "Hmph"s.  
  
  
***FLASHBACK***  
  
  
"... so, after selling only 150 items, you get five dollars, 2 plastic rings or 2 stuffed animals that don't look like anything in particular, a mug, and one of these prizes!" said the representative guy, as he pointed at the halfway decent things on the poster, like the CD player from some company no one had ever heard of, a cordless phone by that same company, and other electronic things that weren't a big deal and that anyone could get from Walmart for pretty cheap. The rep was getting on everyone's nerves. Well, almost everybody's nerves.  
  
"Cool!!" cried Duo, completely absorbed in the cheap prizes being offered. Trowa was flipping through the catalog of stuff they were supposed to sell.   
  
"How are we supposed to get people to buy 15 ounce buckets of cheese?" he asked softly. Unforntunatly, the rep. was only too happy to answer.  
  
"First, never use the word buy. Use the words 'support' or 'help'. So, instead of saying 'Would you like to buy something', you'd say 'Would you like to help out by getting something from our catalog?' And if they buy one item, say something like 'Alot of people are getting more than one item, they make great gift ideas.' It's sorta like people at fast-food places asking 'Do you want fries with that?'"  
  
"Never use the word 'sell'. Use the word 'con', so instead of 'selling people 15 ounce buckets of cheese as a fundrasier', you'd say 'con people into buying shoddy merchandise as a fundraiser'" Wufei said under his breath.  
  
"Since when did spider traps make good gift ideas?" Duo mumbles, actually -looking- at the catalog for the first time.  
  
"Well, black widows can be deadly, and they're spiders. So by giving people spider traps, it shows much you care about their well being." the rep said smoothly, with a "I'd-sell-my-firstborn-child-for-a-quick-buck" smile.  
  
"Hn." came the first sound Heero made during the whole hour long presentation.  
  
"And remember, don't sell door to door. It's dangerous." The rep added, although he really didn't give a shit what they did, as long as they sold things.  
  
"...maybe for them" Heero said softly.  
  
"Oh yes, and the top seller gets an extra prize!" the rep added as the g-boys were leaving.  
  
  
***End Flashback, to streetcorner where Duo is trying to sell stuff***  
  
"Hey, buddy, wanna bu--I mean help.. out by gettin' something from the catalog here?" Duo said, holding it up.  
  
"No, thanks." the guy said, and tried to keep walking by, but Duo wasn't going to stand for that. So Duo steps in front of the guy and begins to shot his mouth of, as usual. He manages to keep a one-sided conversation with the guy who obviously has places to be and keeps trying to get by Duo. Finally, he snaps.  
  
"FINE! Damn it, kid, I'll buy something if you'd just shut the fuck up!!" Duo grinned and handed over the order form and the catalog. The guy took it, and grumbling, made his order, and held it back out to Duo. Duo looked back up at him "Most peop--"  
  
"I bought something so you'd be quiet! So be quiet!" the man broke in the middle of Duo's sentence. "Butmostpeoplearebuyingmorethanonetheymakegreatgifts" Duo spat out before the man could interupt again.   
  
"Look, I alright bought somethin'!"  
"But--"  
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! Just -don't- -talk- -anymore-!!! "  
"Than-"  
"Not a word!!!"  
  
Duo smiled as the man stormed away, and then looked down at his watch, and became a little annoyed. He'd have to sell things faster than that. Just then a elderly old woman came up to him and said, "Trying to raise money for something, little girl? Let me see that." Duo was about to tell her, quite rudely, that he was male, but kept his mouth closed as the lady grabbed the catalog, filled out a couple of orders, and gave it back to him. As she left another smile crept on his face as the wheels started to turn, and he ran in the direction of his home.  
  
  
***At a Mall***  
  
  
Trowa sat on a chair with the catalog in his hands. He watched as swarms of shoppers passed back and forth.  
  
"...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
..."  
  
  
***Heero, going door to door***  
  
  
Heero rang the doorbell. After a few moments of silence, he considered busting the door down. But someone answered, so Heero pulled out his gun, and held out the catalog. "What the fuck!?!" cried out the paniced man.  
  
"Buy." was all Heero said. It was all he needed to say. The guy he held at gunpoint hasitly took the catalog, and filled out an order, and tried to give it back to Heero. Heero glaced down at it, saw only one thing filed in, and remembered what the sales guy had told them about suggesting that a customer buy several items.  
  
"More." Heero narrowed his eyes slightly, and the guy quickly withdrew the form, and filled out about 10 more orders, and trust it back at Heero, who lowered the gun, took the form, and with a "Hn." left for the next house.  
  
  
***Wufei, also using the street corner approch***  
  
  
Wufei held the catalog open and waved it around. He saw some people walk by he cried,  
  
"Woman! I know how you women like to sho--" and he promptly was slapped across the face. The woman ran off as he was about to say something you can be sure involved the words 'woman' and, somehow, 'justice'. Well, he did manage to get out,  
  
"WOMAN! You--" but before he could finsih he was slapped by another woman. This was really beginning to royally piss him off. As he seethed in rage, another woman came up and slapped him.  
  
"What the fuck?! I didn't even say anything! INJUSTICE!!!" he cried. A woman watching this took pity on Wufei, and started to walk over to him, to tell him what was wrong.  
  
"YOU STAY BACK, WOMAN!!!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. The lady crossed her arms and looked at him, asking, "Did you check to see what page you're open to on that thing?".  
  
Wufei looked down and saw he was opened to a page dedicated to nipple warmers that came in colors such as 'titty pink', and lubrication products. His face turned red, except for his cheek, which was beginning to turn purple.  
  
***Duo again, at a street corner***  
  
"Wanna buy somethin', mister? Pweaty Please?" Duo said sweetly, in the most feminie voice he could manage, batting his fake eye-lashes. He wore a little make-up, and a cute little sundress with small white lilies embroidered on it, his hair completely unbound. He had fake breasts 'n' everything. It's best left unsaid where he got 'em, though.  
  
"Sure thing, sweetheart.", the man said, taking the form from Duo's hands. Duo smiled and giggled, racking up the orders at over 10 times the speed he had before. That best-seller prize was as good as his.  
  
  
***The Day Orderforms Are Due Back***  
  
The pilots sat in the room, waiting for the sales to be totaled. Duo noticed the big welt on Wufei's face.  
  
"What happened to you?"  
  
Wufei scowled, "Nothing of importance. I wasn't able to sell much, though.."  
  
Trowa shruged "I sold nothing."  
  
"Yea, well, I sold about 100 things!" Duo said, with a hint of smugness in his voice. Quatre smiled somewhat meekly, and looked like he was about to say something, but Wufei opened his mouth first,  
  
"How the hell'd you pull that off, Maxwell?"  
  
Duo looked down, not really wanting to tell how he'd been able to sell that much. "Ah... well... ya know how it is, 'Fei..."  
  
"No. I don't. How is it?" Wufei inquired, trying to look right into Duo's eyes, knowing he was keeping quiet about something.  
  
"I just did, okay?! Just drop it!!". After Duo's small outburst, there was a small silence, until...  
  
  
"I sorta sold 200 things..," Quatre stated quietly.  
  
"What?!" Duo said, turning with Trowa and Wufei to stare at Quatre. They demanded in unison, "How!?"  
  
"Well, I sorta went to a couple of business accociates of mine, and they needed some chocolate boxes for their employees, and there was one in the catalog, so they sorta ordered alot each.." he said somewhat shyly. Duo exaggerated a sigh, and Wufei looked disgusted.   
  
Just the the rep came in, looking way too happy.  
  
"And the highest seller is.... Heero Yuy! He had over 1,000 orders!". All the g-boys (except Heero) face vaulted. Just then someone with a radio walked by the open door.  
  
"... and in other news, several bomb threats have been called in by a certain iduvidual, who demanded buildings full of people order from ...." could be heard from the radio as the person walked by.  
  
"Heero..", Quatre started.  
  
".. you didn't.." added Duo.  
  
  
  
  
"Mission Complete."  
  
  
  
++++++++++The End++++++++++  
  
  
  
  
Please review. I don't know what you like if you don't. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it :) Oh yea, as a little note for those of you who don't know/didn't notice, white lilies (on Duo's dress) usually stand for death , which is why I added that little detail in there.   
  
-ShinigamisAngel  
shinigamisangel@yahoo.com 


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